Max's 16 Things you may not have known about Japan

Ok time for something for our non-gaijin readers. Everyone knows that the Japanese play by some strange rules and just generally do things a little differently. Without getting on a mean streak about my generous hosts, I just thought I’d write about some things that struck me as being a bit odd or unexpected.

1)After finishing lunch, all the teachers stand around the staff room brushing their teeth. Also it is perfectly acceptable to clip your fingernails, as communal clippers are available next to the principal’s desk.

2)In Japan there is no daylight savings time so these days the sun rises at about half past 3…well half past 3-ish. Furthermore, at strategic locations around town a chime goes off at 6am and 6pm everyday. The exact time of the town’s chime can vary from town to town.

3)Schoolgirl uniform fetishes decrease as time in Japan increases. What used to be cute, is now childish and…just… no….it’s just wrong on so many levels.

4)Winnie the Pooh is given an honorific title and is known as Pooh-san.

5)Crapes are, for absolutely no reason, very popular. Harijuku, one of the most fashionable neighborhoods in Japan, has a street that is famous for there crapes.

6)It is socially acceptable for old men to read pornographic cartoons on the train.

7)If you are white and riding your bike at night, the police will stop you and ask if you are Russian.

8)Every town is “famous” for something. For example a local town called Takakoka has the 3rd biggest Buddha statue in Japan. Not bad. I’ve heard of a town that boasts the 2nd longest cement park bench in Japan.

9)Brazillians are Japans Mexicans.

10)The world Karaoke is a combination of the Japanese word Kare meaning, “empty”, and the shortened version of the world orchestra, oke. So Kareoke literally means empty orchestra.

11)It is impossible to lose something in Japan, whatever you lose; you will be tracked down until they are able to return you your lost item. It will be wrapped, and they will apologize for you having lost it.

12)Every conversation with a Japanese woman will ultimately progress into talking about food.

13)Green Tourism refers to not going to Tokyo on vacation. (unvariefied)

14)Some Japanese girls, known as Yankee girls are orange.

15)In public spaces, there are still wanted signs for the members of Om cult that released serin gas in a Tokyo subway.

16)Although this is a pan-Asian thing, and lot of people know about it, I still have no idea why the Carpenters are so popular.

Isla Vista, California

Isla Vista, CA


At 17 I was pretty ready to get out of the big V and my parents were too. Whenever I put the cheese back in the fridge I rarely wrapped it back up. Even though there was a sign on the cheese shelf that said, "If you love cheese wrap it up". Parents can only tolerate that sort of behavior for so long. I shipped out to the University of California Santa Barbara, and eventually to land smack dab in the beer foam lifestyle of Isla Vista CA.



Isla Vista is physically and economically distant from the posh pony club world of Santa Barbara. But its about a one square mile of mostly self governing university students and poor Mexicans located right on one of the most beautiful stretches of the Pacific Ocean.



Level of Bad-ass-itude
Blisteringly high. IV has the hottest people Ive ever seen, loads of intellectual havens, a stunning beach. The school is almost always in the top 5 for best party school, and the University has had 4 Nobel laureates in the last 10 years.

Toys
A sweet stolen beach cruiser that you ride to Sands with carrying a surfboard, a bong, skateboards, a collection frisbe golf discs, a couch on the roof, the boys at the JD house had a stripper poll and mirror getup that was used surprisingly often.

Clothes
Minimal and Optional. Lots of Halloween costume parts that somehow made it into the rotation. Vegen kids with blue hoodies, stuck up sorority girls with loads of make up on wearing gray sweatpants to look like they just got readyand dont have herpes.

Car
Cars arent really important but theyre usually small and Japanese hand me downs. The interior is full of sand, and In and Out Burger wrappers and socks from the last long road trip home.

Chicks
Span the spectrum from total nerds to total skanks. God bless IV.

Strip Malls?
Impossible. In the 70s the students burnt down the Bank of America building. Picasso road was about the closest thing to a strip mall, but all its mostly independent coffee shops that only sold beer and never made any money, cause everyone that went there got hooked up.

Intellectual culture
Monday-Friday there is a world-class university next door, but youd never know it on the weekends. The most intellectual discussions take place within a haze of drugs and are quickly forgotten.

Bar Scene
Because nearly everyone is under 21, the bar scene is kinda unnecessary, on an average night there are incredibly wild parties in just about every house with IV foot patrol making sure that everyone is nice and drunk, but carrying a cup upside down. Long live DP, may the ocean never reclaim you.

Worries
Sunburns, brain damage, STDs, finals, long keg lines, kidney infections, constantly living in fear because your ex lives less than a block away from you, June glooms, lack of summer swells, narcotics officers, beer money, mom visiting, security deposits.

Vacation time
Youre on vacation most of the time. Life is hopefully balanced between academic pursuits and chemical addictions. You go on as many trips as trips.

Drug
Besides year around sunshine, IV is full of smart people drugs like, beer, pot, and shrooms. Rich kids do coke. But pretty much everyones on something, so you have to drive about 5 miles an hours because everyone is so spaced out. Because everyone is in party mode, drugs seem to be the most common way to meet new people and find new tribes. With in the pot scene manners and politeness are as important as a job interview. Lastly, April 20th is as hallucinogenic a day as possible. Val and Melissas crew just about killed me, I think I stil sso tired.

Politics
The university next door sponsors the liberal line pretty hard and everyone is cool with it because its tough to get the people united for justice on the beach. Unlike UC Berkeley everyone has a token College Republican friend thats cool enough to talk to at parties, especially because he brought the beerfrom the brewery his dad owns.

Religion
Sons and daughters of suburban secretarian liberals. Nobody has been to church in a while. Except the annoying Christian Crusade/Athletes who just bug the hell outta everyone. Repenting for sins usually takes place on Sunday morning hugging porcelain, or in the STD clinic.

Weather
Always perfect, no exceptions.

Side Note
Once you leave, you can never go back, someones already taken your place.

Ameri-Terrainian Blues

grow up watch tv get dirty play sports junior high feel weird puberity break out grow up play sports try to be cool eat lunch graduate from high school get laid move break hearts learn shit vote graduate from college worry do drugs get drunk study keep drinking move home move out do something really cool or really dumb get over it worry get a real job avoid becoming what the job makes you fall in love quit drugs become what the job makes you buy a house get married lose hair garden have kids redecorate get divorced move redecorate drink play golf clean the garage get married redecorate get sick get well find god play scrabble die.

Visalia California

Ok so I feel like I’ve successfully mapped out the drifter career ranks. Done and done. Pathetically I actually feel a sense of accomplishment for finally writing something down that (a few) people read. Anyways back patting over, lets get started.

Place: Visalia, California

Visalia is in the middle of Fresno and Bakersfield smack dab in the irrigated desert that is the Central San Joaquin Valley. Not exactly a cultural hotspot. God only knows why my parents moved there from San Francisco, but they did, and it was home for a long time. People have this image of California as a state sized Malibu with Hippies running around hawking free love. Hate to burst your bubble but most of it isn’t like that. Anyways Visalia is an agricultural first town, population about 100,000. Whites own pretty much everything, Mexicans do the work. Like many depressed rural counties claims to be the birthplace of the meth epidemic, and have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the county. I've also heard that it's got the worst air quality in the country. I don’t know if any of this stuff is true, but they very well could be.

Ok here we go;

Level of Bad-ass-itude
Pretty low, the coolest kids in town are in High School or at the Junior college, and most young people get out as soon as they can. In my opinion it’s better than growing up in the spoiled suburbs (sorry Greg and Glen), or way out in the middle of nowhere, like Taft or something.

Toys
A boat that you go to Shaver lake with that sits in your driveway with a blue tarp over it. Large TV to watch drivel for at least 4 hours a night. You’ve also got an Awesome BBQ, and maybe a pool.

Clothes
From Ross Marshals, Target, or outlet stores. Everyone wears name brands, but it’s slightly flawed and nobody’s paying full price. If you Mexican you wear white shirts with a Gothic Virgin Mary, corduroy shoes, and one hell of an attitude.

Car
Your Truck is immaculate. Most of your salary goes into truck payments or accessories; the rest goes to child support.

Chicks
White if your white, brown if your brown. Also you’re married at 20. Either that or you’ve had your fill of the fabled land beyond the fields and came back to settle down, like in Gross Point Blank.

Strip Malls?
Yeah, but…. Yeah we got strip malls, Wal-Mart, the whole bit.

Intellectual culture
The brain scene in Visalia is weird due to its isolation. There are defiantly coffee shops clans of slim shouldered men and brown lipstick women discussing the issues of our day, but the topics are pretty different than those elsewhere. Intellectual discussion usually stays near the realm of theology.

Bar Scene
Odd to say the least. Depending on your class your either sipping boutique brewed amber ales and vintage wine, you’re getting in a fight with cowboys at a party in a field, or you’re avoiding the stray bullets in the club.

Worries
You’re brain rotting from lack of stimulation, the heat driving you insane. Being killed in the blanket of fog. Eventually getting out of you’re mom’s house.
Vacation time On holidays you head to either Pismo Beach or the mountains. Odds are you’re not leaving Central California let alone the state or the country.

Drug
Mostly Jesus, but the rest try to get their hands on whatever they can get. Lottas people rock good weed, poor kids smoke meth (I’m not kidding here folks).

Politics
The masses surely subscribe to water rights based Rightwing Christian crazytalk, but the educated middle class listens to NPR like it’s some underground subversive thing. You can't even tune in the lefty stations from Berkeley. The moveon.org action committee meets at Borders.

Religions
Supposedly there are more churches per-capita than in any other place in the country, again I can’t prove or deny this, but most of the churches are evangelical Christian churches puttin’ out the “If you don’t believe Jesus as your Lord and Savior you’re going to hell” line. Those who reject this line are reactionary atheists or agnostics and have few friends, or are part of the doctors lawyers and Indian chiefs group.

Weather
Hot and dry as hell in the summer, (lots of people have pools), and frighteningly foggy in the winter.

Dialect
Standard American English, Standard Mexican Spainish, Spaingilsh. The hicks speak the same drawl from Barstow to Biloxi.

Interesting Aside
Horribly poluted and dusty air makes a great sunset.