Phuket City, Thailand

My previous city profiles were all pretty standard, its at this point were things start to get a bit off the rails. Keep in mind here that I’m profiling the people and the city I knew of, not necessarily my part in the city. Because Im not Thai, I guess I’ll look at the Phuket lifestyle from an expat perspective.

Level of Bad-ass-itude
Pretty damn high. Being a local and chillin’ at O’Malley’s pub and scaming tourists was pretty cool. Biologically successful chumps and Drifter senior grades save their nickels and dimes to make it to your doorstep. But then again your toilet doesn’t flush, your apartment is up to its ears in geckos (or worse) and you make about $500 on a good month. All in all it’s the land of the lotus eater.

Toys
Your motorcycle is your badge. Its says a lot about you. Honda Dream minivan. Yamaha Speed pussy wagon. Kawasaki Ninja/Honda CBR? badass killer bee. Lots of people have twirrly fire things for beach parties. Everyone has a Frisbee and a soccer ball for beach parties and odds are you have a scuba or spear fishing kit. Although it’s crude to say, your bits and pieces are all you really need out here, cause everyone’s getting laid.

Clothes
During the week its fake names brand clothes and a tie, after work it’s swim trunks, scuba gear, and during the hot season, just a threadbare sarong. If you wear jewrey its either made of hemp, or the gaudiest yellow gold imaginable.

Car
If your privileged enough to have one it’s a used Japanese car/truck that’s been blessed by a monk and has so many flowers, charms, and shrines hanging from the rearview mirror, you can’t really see out the window. The back seat is filled with scuba gear.

Chicks
Here is the real split between the expat guys. About half have a Thai girlfriend that they stay true to. In this case her respectable profession (usually she’s a teacher) must be stated when greeting other expats for fear her being solicited for sex. The other half of the guys are total whore mongers, who could give a rats ass for nice beaches and hot curry.

Strip Malls?
None (when I lived there), department stores and family owned businesses are the name of the game. Consumerism isn’t really part of the scene there. Its more about heading to the beach, getting drunk, and driving motorcycles, or some unholy combination of the three.

Intellectual culture
Unexpectedly vibrant. The Thais I knew were usually pretty aware of what was happening at home and abroad, and the people living there were incredibly interested in philosophy especially Heidegger and Hegel and postmodernists. Discussions about international politics were unanimously leftist and idealistic, usually involving people from at least 3 or 4 countries, over a hot curry and a couple gallons of beer. The intellectuals that made up the scene usually had fake university credentials and had long since stopped caring about making money, choosing instead a mellow downshifted life.

Bar Scene
The bar scene pretty much rocks. If your feeling mellow there are plenty local pubs and beer gardens to chill at, and for better or worse there’s no real laws against drinking and driving motorcycles. If your feeling like you need something more….eh….stimulating, nearby P@##&$ offers a wild ride through a scandalous world of bargirls, pickup bars, ladyboys, and god only knows what other unknowns.

Worries
Sunburns, STDs (including the biggies), Joel being pissed off because your hungover at work caused you to just give your students worksheets while you “sweat it out”, being mauled on the road by some Thai maniac driver hoped up on Yaba, being stabbed by a ladyboy, having absolutely no money, but most of all ghosts.

Vacation time
You’re on the vacation most people dream of all their lives.

Drug
Shrooms are easy enough to get a hold of, pot is defiantly around, but its dangerous to score. Thai jail doesn’t sound pretty. Thankfully theres beer everywhere, and its pretty good with curry.

Politics
Drunken debates rage for days, but nobody is active in politics at all. Dharmaic Socialists fits the bill.

Religion
Everyone there is pretty much into Buddhism in some respect. Braah Farang (a foreign monk) is not a rarity. Expats feel little guilt in going to the Wat (temple) with a bargirl after a particularly enlightening evening the night before. The Thais are well into Buddha and ghosts and that defiantly rubs off on the expats.

Weather
Hotter than hell.

Side Note
Hookers play a mean game of connect four and while I’m writing this I’m dreaming of going back and never coming home.

My Day with the Executive Supervisor of English Departements for the Toyama Prefactural Metropolitian Government General Educational Center

Executive Supervisor of English Departments in Toyama Prefecture Metropolitian Government General Educational Center: “Very nice, I see your teachers are running frantically, you must be force feeding the them?”

Principal Sakai: “Oh thank you very much, actually, we add genki drink to the milk, they never notice…and you should see the sheer amount of spreadsheets they’re able to churn out”

“Haaha, it’s a wonder we lost the war with our greatness isn’t it. Oooo is she the office lady?” He points to a frizzy haired linebacker in a pencil skirt.

“Ahh yes, we just had her checked in Osaka, her IQ is 6. Quite phenomenal actually, she was positively built to copy.”

“Does she comply with protocol and speak rapid fire Toyama dialect to the ALT?”

“Sometimes I don’t even know what she’s saying. Would you like to see the English demonstration class?”

“No, I’m not concerned with actual teaching; I would like to see some of the students’ most recent English tests though if possible.”

“Of course, here you are. As you can see, the san-nenseis are far below Pre-war levels, ni-nenseis are able to talk about Japanese food using Japanese words, and the ichi-nenseis can’t distinguish English from spilled ink.”

“I don’t know how you do it Mr. Sakai, but you captain a good ship. Shall we have a school wide meeting for several hours, and enjoy speeches?”

“Only as long as the chairs are setup but nobody is sitting in them.”

Freak Power Party Platform

Ok here it is, all ready for the midterm elections. The Freak Power Party Platform

First Priority-- The First Green Bullet. This should have been a no-brainier. Figure out how the Brazilians became energy independent by switching to switch grass to fuel their economy. No need for science-fiction technologies, just steal whatever they did and make it happen. Its Brazil for Christ sake, if they can do it, surely we can.

a) Subsidize the first batch of switch grass seeds, then eliminate existing farm subsidies. Growing switch grass could make Nebraska the new Saudi Arabia in terms of energy wealth. Ending American farm subsidies would also help developing countries become more agriculturally competetive and sustainable, ultimately helping the global economy. Doing this would also give credibility to the WTO, which is a good thing. Furthermore, after the enterprise is up and running, limit the size and control of each farm growing switch grass. This will help to reverse the trend towards corporate farming, and the resurgence of the American farmer in the Jeffersonian sense. This would also lead to a reemergence in the economically depressed South and Midwest.

b) Obviously this would get us out of the failed attempt to dominate the Middle East and steal their oil. If we don't need the oil, let them sort themselves out, if they want a new Caliphate, fine, whatever. Bin Ladin can claim victory for kicking out the infidels, but who gives a shit, when they need drinking water they'll be the ones paying $100 a barrel, for sweet Toyama crude water. As for Israel, they are a long past grown up. They can defend themselves, and we'll sell them whatever they need to do it.

c) Switching to a switch grass based economy would bring lowered greenhouse emissions means that the worst scenarios of global warming might not come to fruition. Duh.

d) Eliminating our dependency on oil will directly and immediately end the war in Iraq, and the war on terror. They can solve their Sunni/Shiite thing on their own. We obviously have no idea what is going on there, so we should get out. We can invest the billions of dollars into education and advanced research.

Second Priority Second Green Bullet. Legalize soft drugs. Make every aspect of producing pot legal.

a) Pot is already California's cash cow. Make it legal and you can tax the shit out of it, and sell and control it like alcohol. Make it a law that you gotta be 18 or 21 or whatever. Anybody over the age of 13 knows its way easier to get a sack of weed then a bottle of whiskey, so you'll more likely have less smokers under age.

b) As studies on the Dutch system have shown, the number of smokers changes little with the legalization of cannabis. Square fears of a completely stoned nation will be proven false.

c) The amount of money spent on demonizing soft drugs and incarcerating small time users is outrageous. Less bogus crimes, less prisons, less prisoners, healthier families and a better society and . As law enforcement agencies across the country have said repeatedly, they don't have the time or resources to go around chasing pot dealers.

d) If you follow the rise of crack cocaine in the 1980s it occurs at the same time as the peak of Operation Eradication attempt to shut down the large scale pot plantations in Northern California. No access to cheap pot = cheap crack.

e) Half of the money saved can go towards raising teacher salaries, and half can go to...nah screw it. Send it all to teacher salaries.

f) Combined with growing switch grass, farmers will be millionaires.

g) Like becoming energy dependant, the US will no longer be as dependent for drugs from places like Columbia, Mexico, and other South American countries. We can end our incredibly destructive drug war in Columbia, and drastically lessen the flow of drug money into the Mexican gangs and hardened criminals.

Third Priority Maximum Wage Tax. 100% taxation for all incomes over US$1 million. Seriously, who really needs to make over a million dollars a year? Outrageous incomes created the wealth gap in America, which gave rise to all manner of problems mostly for the poor. With the billions, maybe even trillions in revenue, we invest in alternative energy, port and border security, and a universal health program. At the same time make the minimum wage a living wage for employers with over 100 employees. Stable societies are based on the middle class, vast differences in wealth create resentment. If the rich get pissed at this, who cares, they've had enough time in power and they've abused it. Close tax shelter loopholes and bring back the death tax. Eliminate corporate welfare, and make them pay taxes like the rest of us.


Fourth Priority Superfund the Superfund. With these measures in place the government coffers will be pretty full. Next thing we do is give the environmentalists a giant boner and clean up the country before its too late. We as a country need to listen more closely to our tree huggers and nerds, and give them lots of money to do it. You polute, you pay. Simple as that. Also we should look into sponsoring Carbon sequencing to convert the carbon in the atmosphere into a solid state. Its expensive now, but it might save all our asses in the future.

Fifth Priority Cheney goes to jail. Real jail. in Guantanamo. Torture the shit out of him. If anybody deserves it its him.

Sixth Priority. Singaporize the borders. Even though I sincerely believe that the policies above will lessen our need to protect our borders, we should still inspecting everything that comes in and out of our ports and accross our border. How hard could it be to build a big ass fence. If we're out of Iraq, and Latin America, the army is going to be bored as hell. Make them protect build it. Make the Department of Defense the Department of Da Fence.

Welp thats a good start. Now who's with me?