Phuket City, Thailand

My previous city profiles were all pretty standard, its at this point were things start to get a bit off the rails. Keep in mind here that I’m profiling the people and the city I knew of, not necessarily my part in the city. Because Im not Thai, I guess I’ll look at the Phuket lifestyle from an expat perspective.

Level of Bad-ass-itude
Pretty damn high. Being a local and chillin’ at O’Malley’s pub and scaming tourists was pretty cool. Biologically successful chumps and Drifter senior grades save their nickels and dimes to make it to your doorstep. But then again your toilet doesn’t flush, your apartment is up to its ears in geckos (or worse) and you make about $500 on a good month. All in all it’s the land of the lotus eater.

Toys
Your motorcycle is your badge. Its says a lot about you. Honda Dream minivan. Yamaha Speed pussy wagon. Kawasaki Ninja/Honda CBR? badass killer bee. Lots of people have twirrly fire things for beach parties. Everyone has a Frisbee and a soccer ball for beach parties and odds are you have a scuba or spear fishing kit. Although it’s crude to say, your bits and pieces are all you really need out here, cause everyone’s getting laid.

Clothes
During the week its fake names brand clothes and a tie, after work it’s swim trunks, scuba gear, and during the hot season, just a threadbare sarong. If you wear jewrey its either made of hemp, or the gaudiest yellow gold imaginable.

Car
If your privileged enough to have one it’s a used Japanese car/truck that’s been blessed by a monk and has so many flowers, charms, and shrines hanging from the rearview mirror, you can’t really see out the window. The back seat is filled with scuba gear.

Chicks
Here is the real split between the expat guys. About half have a Thai girlfriend that they stay true to. In this case her respectable profession (usually she’s a teacher) must be stated when greeting other expats for fear her being solicited for sex. The other half of the guys are total whore mongers, who could give a rats ass for nice beaches and hot curry.

Strip Malls?
None (when I lived there), department stores and family owned businesses are the name of the game. Consumerism isn’t really part of the scene there. Its more about heading to the beach, getting drunk, and driving motorcycles, or some unholy combination of the three.

Intellectual culture
Unexpectedly vibrant. The Thais I knew were usually pretty aware of what was happening at home and abroad, and the people living there were incredibly interested in philosophy especially Heidegger and Hegel and postmodernists. Discussions about international politics were unanimously leftist and idealistic, usually involving people from at least 3 or 4 countries, over a hot curry and a couple gallons of beer. The intellectuals that made up the scene usually had fake university credentials and had long since stopped caring about making money, choosing instead a mellow downshifted life.

Bar Scene
The bar scene pretty much rocks. If your feeling mellow there are plenty local pubs and beer gardens to chill at, and for better or worse there’s no real laws against drinking and driving motorcycles. If your feeling like you need something more….eh….stimulating, nearby P@##&$ offers a wild ride through a scandalous world of bargirls, pickup bars, ladyboys, and god only knows what other unknowns.

Worries
Sunburns, STDs (including the biggies), Joel being pissed off because your hungover at work caused you to just give your students worksheets while you “sweat it out”, being mauled on the road by some Thai maniac driver hoped up on Yaba, being stabbed by a ladyboy, having absolutely no money, but most of all ghosts.

Vacation time
You’re on the vacation most people dream of all their lives.

Drug
Shrooms are easy enough to get a hold of, pot is defiantly around, but its dangerous to score. Thai jail doesn’t sound pretty. Thankfully theres beer everywhere, and its pretty good with curry.

Politics
Drunken debates rage for days, but nobody is active in politics at all. Dharmaic Socialists fits the bill.

Religion
Everyone there is pretty much into Buddhism in some respect. Braah Farang (a foreign monk) is not a rarity. Expats feel little guilt in going to the Wat (temple) with a bargirl after a particularly enlightening evening the night before. The Thais are well into Buddha and ghosts and that defiantly rubs off on the expats.

Weather
Hotter than hell.

Side Note
Hookers play a mean game of connect four and while I’m writing this I’m dreaming of going back and never coming home.