I'm a feverish, illiterate, slob and your friends with me (a story-rant)

Sorry I just gotta bitch, Im spotting so I think my period is coming on. You can read it or not. Your definantly better off not reading this, it will have no effect on your life. Go brush your teeth or call your grandma instead. She'd like that.

Ok that said. Its story time.
'Goo moaning Makusu sensei. You dough look so good today'. Fujita always says this, some times he doesn't even look at me. He just lets it fly. In actuality I dont look very well on account of the fact that that morning my water pipes were frozen, and I just had to walk 20 min in the snow to work. I slipped on the ice twice. 'Do you have any play pretend phones yet?'
'Uhhh, phones?'
'for skit?'
'skit?'
'Yes first grade students next next (not a typo) Thursday have make phone skit.' Why I'm expected to have fake phones for an event in the semi-distant future that Im not aware of is beyond me. So miraculously the 100-yen store has some fake phones that ring and are totallly sweet. Mission Accomplished. Hurdle jumped. Everyday has it's mission, little did I know that things were going to take a turn for the worse.

'Goo moaning Makusu sensei, you dough look so good today, too.' Fuck you. I actually feel like shit, sore throat etc. By nightfall Ive got a full-blown fever and I feel horrible. Its like all the bad parts of being stoned.

Days pass. Still sick. Phone call. Unknown number. I risk it.

'Mushi Mushi Max desu', I answer delusionally.
'Max sensei, this is Rumiko,' Ahhh, thank God. I really love this woman, she pronounces my name correctly and saves my ass. We teach English together and she gets it. Unfortunately she gets it a little too much and sometimes I think shes suicidal. Pleasantries are exchanged I find out that she got in a car crash on a bridge.
'Are you ready for next Wednesday?' uhh oohh thats the preface for something bad.
'Wednesday?' Grown. Cough. Fever high and sympathy needed.
'The speech.'

Squiggily doo Squigggily doo Squiggily doo

Flashback about 3 months; lets sayuh September ish.

Everyday a shit load of totally irrelevant papers cross my desk, I scan them for two things, my name in Japanese, and the kanji for English. A lone sheet of paper waiting on my desk has red official looking stamps all over it and a date 2/15. This is potentially very bad. I like surprises, but not red stamp official surprises. Maybe I'm being deported. 'Rumiko sensei, whats this?'

'Hummm,' she reads the paper, 'Are you free February 15th next year?' a totally random Wednesday calendar pages away.
'Uh, I guess so why?' I couldnt say I was busy; it was deep in the future.
'You have to give a speech for 30 minutes for the Rotary Club just a minute.' She starts speaking frantic Japanese with principal, and Im thinking: alright speech, not a problem, Ill just charm em and talk about bullsh....
'...in Japanese.' The other shoe has dropped.

Flash forward to sick on couch.

'Oh yeah, the speech.'
'Are you ready?'
'No, I havent even thou...' door bell rings, just a minute, someones at the door

'Goo moaning Makusu sensei, you dough look so good.' Ahh well look who it is! Just who I wanted to see. Fujita actually came to my house to tell me in his shitty broken ass English that I didnt look so good. WOW, NO SHIT, Ive been in this Goddamn sleeping bag unshaven sweating out a gnarly fever for days taking nonfunctioning Japanese medicine, prescribed by a doctor I didn't understand, from a hospital that I had to walk to in the snow.
'Your house not so clean, you need girlfriend clean up for you.' Unbelievable, he managed to insult my hygiene, my lack of sex life, and my language in a mere eleven words.

I started feeling better and decided I was well enough to go to my Japanese lesson. My teacher lookeed upset.

'Konban wa, sensei.' Good evening teacher.
'Ah Max san, You dont have any Japanese friends do you? Because I can tell you Japanese isn't improving.' (in English)

So here I am post-sick and 7 pounds lighter with a messy room and a crummy beard desperately writing a 30-minute speech to give in a language I barely speak.

These last couple weeks havent been bad. They've been scathing.